I know, I know, you have all been wondering, where has Tim gone? Actually, you probably haven’t been wondering that, but hey, in my mind, you have. So here I am.
Well here’s a little information on what I have been up to recently. As many people know, I started a full-time job working for the House of Mouse here in Orlando. I have truly entered into my dream company. This job has brought so many blessings to me and my family. But mixed in with this happiness, we have had a few tough times. We lost Sebastian and Penelope, two cats that have been with me for the past 13 years, over the course of three weeks. I find it crazy how closely attached we get to our pets. They truly become family members and it rips a piece of you away when you lose them. And yet we continue to pursue them and love them. Last night I found myself especially struggling with the loss of Penny especially. I find myself questioning whether or not I was a good Dad to her. Unfortunately, I was unable to be there when we let her go and I find that I am feeling some guilt over that. Part of that comes with addition of a new kitten to the family named Piper. Piper looks nothing like either of the other two cats, but we have seen so many traits that she shares with them. Is it just because she is a cat or is it something else? I have my theories on this, but I will let you draw your own conclusions. But having a kitten is its own experience. If you see Lindsey and I, especially in shorts, you may be wondering if we have gone running through thorn bushes. Nope! That is the price of having a fully clawed kitten that LOVES to play and play ON us.
The biggest thing that I have been working on, aside from the job, is how we get out of the debt and problems associated with the past year. Lindsey’s description of coming out of a shelter after a tornado is about right. I really find that I am looking at an aftermath. We have put together an action plan to solve the problem and are sticking to it, but it all just can’t happen fast enough. But it is thanks to God that we even get the opportunity to get out of it at all.
The one question I keep asking now is “How in the world did we survive all of that?” (“That” being the lasts 13 months of life.) If you think about it, from the time Lindsey and I met to the time that our world fell a part was about 17 months. We did not even know each other before that. 17 months! Aside from the support of God and friends, which was critical, it was the rule that Lindsey and I live by that got us through and kept us together – 100% honesty rule. We told each other that this was something that was non-negotiable. I have A LOT of trouble trusting people and have lost more friendships and relationships because of lies. And when I decided that I wanted to pursue another relationship, I knew that this would have to be a cornerstone. I HAD to be able to trust her. Thankfully she felt the same way. We continue to be open with each other, whether it is about money, feelings, decisions, or actions. Every question is always on the table. (By the way, if you ever want a good laugh, ask Lindsey what her VERY FIRST question for me was once we started dating.) A great way to picture it is to use the tornado metaphor. Picture like in the movies when a tornado is there, people huddle together and hold on to each other like there might not be any tomorrow. That’s the best way that I describe it. We were both ready to give it all for the other.
This is going to seem like a shift for a second, but just stick with me. The other day I was working on a project at work putting together some animations for a concert series that is a part of a festival that happens here in the late Summer and Fall. As I was going through the list, I stumbled across a group that I didn’t know so I decided to look them up on YouTube. The name of the group is Blue October. The song that caught me is called Home. Click here to check it out. As I listened to the song, I found myself tearing up. The song is all about your Home, whatever that looks like. A good portion of it is about kids which brought thoughts of the miscarriage right to the forefront, but more than that they talk about Mom and Dad being together and loving each other. This really struck me hard. One of things that this insanity of a time brought out was how much I love my wife and how much she loves me. It is one of the things that keeps me going. We had no choice with it, many times it was just her and I. But what about now?
That one question just slapped me in the face. Without getting too much into our private and personal life, the miscarriage has had some side effects on our intimacy. I have found myself not wanting to get too close to Lindsey or be too close to her. This is crushing me. I don’t want to lose everything that we just spent the last year relying on and building. I find myself lost. You would think that the introduction of some of the freedoms this job and the money that it brings to us would cause us to celebrate one another. But it seems that in some small little ways, I find myself wanting to go back to the tornado shelter. I want that part of me back who that gripped so tightly to her. The guy that looked into her eyes and said we are going to do this together and we are going to be ok. That has truly become my struggle now. How do I love my wife better now? How do you love someone during peace without the adrenaline of the struggle to fuel it?
Do I know the answer right now? Nope. I think some of it is that I need to make some different choices then I have been making. I have been so concerned with getting us out of debt and the aftermath, that I have forgotten the whole reason that I am doing that. I also think I need to relay more of what I am feeling to Lindsey. My insecurities, my troubles, my needs and wants. I need to remember that she is the most important thing in my world. I think I need to allow myself some time. Some time to heal. I ripped myself to shreds over the last year, mostly from a place of feeling that I was the cause of our situation and that I was not giving Lindsey the life that she deserved. I know that I cannot do this on my own, I am going to need His help and strength through it all. And I think that is really the key: none of us can do this on our own.
In our house we have a plaque that says that “Home is where you take your pants off”. But I still believe that home is truly where the heart is and my heart is no longer with me, but with Lindsey. So therefore, she is my home. And I NEVER want to forget that or take that for granted.
I love you, Honey Bunny!