You are hereby informed that this blog has been highjacked for an episode. Much to the dismay of my sister, I am taking over for Lindsey for this blog post. In case you are wondering, it is I, Tim, Lindsey’s husband, writing to you today. Now I know that most of Lindsey’s readership is made of women, but I feel like what I have for you today is something that supersedes gender.
Her last blog really hit something with me. Yes, I read everything she posts and no, beyond the one post, I do not read them before they are posted. Most of the time, I don’t even know when a post is coming, but she has my permission to use parts of our lives if she feels it is necessary or can help someone. So during my reading about our fun time with the cats and the fleas (I am happy to report that we are still flea free) I found her metaphor for what we are going through now to be very powerful. Let me say now that this is really and truly a WE experience. While I am the one that is jobless, she still has to deal with the emotional ramifications of what I am going through. And let me tell you, she has been so supportive that I can’t even express it in words.
So for those that might be new, just a little recap. Lindsey and I got married, had a beautiful and fantastic honeymoon (aside from an airline that shall not be named) and came home ready to launch into our new life together. While some things had changed, many things had not. I returned to work on Monday, and by Tuesday I had been let go for some very odd reasons that don’t need to be elaborated on here. Needless to say, I proceeded to run the emotional gauntlet. Anger. Frustration. Panic. Fear. Anger. Distress. Anger. Sadness. Dude, seriously???
And just to be clear, not all of that was directed at my former employers. Much of that was directed “upstairs”. Here I felt that I had taken all the right steps for getting married and finding that special someone. I went back to college at 35 and completely changed careers. Didn’t date. Then graduated and spent the next 4 years trying to find a full-time job doing freelance work to make money. Didn’t date. Got my full-time job which meant moving from Cincinnati to Orlando and worked my tail off to set myself on the career path for the next 2 ½ years. Didn’t date. Finally decided it was time and within 2 months of starting was in a relationship with my future wife. So I did the education, got the job and then got the girl. Sweet, dude was right on track. Have a beautiful wedding and an even more incredible honeymoon. BOOM! We are rocking, the world is awesome, yes I want a new job, but I was working. And then it all comes crashing down.
Once again, we find ourselves under immense stress and strain. We also find that we are asking, “What are we supposed to learn from this?” Now over the 1 ½ years that we have been together, have been through quite a few trials as you may have read throughout her blog. And let’s be frank, WE TIRED! But we still find ourselves asking the question.
So what are we being taught? Well according to what we can tell through talking with each other and with God, we are learning to trust. CRAP! TRUST! And not just trust in each other, but trust in God. And truth be told, the second is probably where more of it is coming into play. Great, so we know what we are supposed to learn, so what do we do with that? The short answer, I have no idea. But that isn’t what has been keeping me up at night, if I am being honest. “Why, why?” is what is keeping me up. Lindsey and I feel that during our relationship, we have had a month of peace, maybe two. So again I ask God, Why? Why again? Why now? WTH?!?!?!?
One of my favorite past times is playing video games. Yes I am nerd, and I love me some video games. It drives Lindsey nuts most times, mostly cause she doesn’t have the hand-eye coordination that it takes to play. I was sitting there today playing and finding my eyes watering, when it hit me. Maybe, I am not asking the right question.
We truly believe that God has something special lined up for us, whether it is here in Orlando or somewhere else. But as I sat there looking back on everything that we have gone through, I began to wonder why had be put us through so much in such a short amount of time? This immediately led me to our pets. Now we have two cats, but we also have a dog, G. She doesn’t live with us now since 800 square feet is not enough room for her and Bastian (the BIG cat) is BEYOND territorial. That also got me thinking about my parent’s dog Coco, who we saw this weekend when we visited my parents in Cincinnati to attend my niece’s wedding and another niece and nephew’s graduation party.
When you first get a pet, you begin to train them – cats to use the litter box, dogs to go outside and to tricks. And while once again, they never understand why or what you are doing and many times it is something for their own good, they rebel and don’t always cooperate. Dogs will bark and “go” on the floor, so will cats, especially one who thinks she truly rules the world. But there will undoubtedly be that one time that listening to you is going to save their life.
This weekend in Cincinnati, I heard a sermon from my former pastor about how God is not vengeful or spiteful, but instead is looking to bless us and not hurt us. So that brought me to my realization that I might be asking the wrong question. Instead of, “Why are you putting through all of this?” maybe I should be asking, “Ok, Dude, what are you preparing us for?”
While that question doesn’t provide any more answers than the first, I do feel like it adds a bit of hope. HOPE. That one thing that I have been truly missing as the weeks pass and still I have no job. HOPE, that there is something far better and greater than I can imagine. HOPE, that not only will we be ready, but we will be prepared for whatever this new thing is. HOPE, that through it all we will trust each other and trust him. HOPE.